The Paratrooper

A paratrooper was scared to jump. His instructor told him, "If anything goes wrong, say, `Buddha oh Buddha' and you will be saved."

The paratrooper got so scared that he forgot to pull his rip cord. So he said, "Buddha oh Buddha," and a hand came out and saved him.

He said, "Thank God," and he was dropped.

(Contributed by David Mather)

Dealing with Neurotics

The psychiatrist asks the Zen Master, "How do you deal with neurotics?"

The Zen Master replies, "I get them to the point where they can't ask anymore questions".

(Contributed by Barry Erdman)

Driving in India

A monk was driving in India when suddenly a dog crosses the road. The car hit and killed the dog. The monk looked around and seeing a temple, went to knock on the door. A monk opened the door. The first monk said: "I'm terribly sorry, but my karma ran over your dogma."

(Contributed by Nebuchadnezzar)

Compassion with an umbrella

A Western Buddhist woman was In india, studying with her teacher. She was riding with another woman friend in a rickshaw-like carriage, when they were attacked by a man on the street. In the end, the attacker only succeeded in frightening the women, but the Buddhist woman was quite upset by the event and told her teacher so. She asked him what she should have done - what would have been the appropriate, Buddhist response.

The teacher said very simply, "You should have very mindfully and with great compassion whacked the attacker over the head with your umbrella."

(Contributed by Susan)

Walking on water

Three monks decided to practise meditation together. they sat by the side of a lake and closed their eyes in concentration. Then suddenly, the first one stood up and said, "I forgot my mat." He steeped miraculously onto the water in front of him and walked across the lake to their hut on the other side.

When he returned, the second monk stood up and said, "I forgot to put my the other underwear to dry." He too walked calmly across the water and returned the same way. The third monk watched the first two carefully in what he decided must be the test of his own abilities. "Is your learning so superior to mine? I too can match any feat you two can perform," he declared loudly and rushed to the water's edge to walk across it. He promptly fell into the deep water.

Undeterred, the yogi climbed out of the water and tried again, only to sink into the water. Yet again he climbed out and yet again he tried, each time sinking into the water. This went on for some time as the other two monks watched.

After a while, the second monk turned to the first and said, "Do you think we should tell him where the stones are?"

(Contributed by Byrd Chong)

Two Drunk monks

I took my son, Ian to a farewell party for some friends returning to their country.  Ian, age 9, wisely observed that some of the participants drank too much (I was not among those). On our 1 1/2 hour journey home, I spoke to him about the importance of moderation.

After thinking for sometime, Ian said, "Dad, I have a story that I just made up."

"There were these two Buddhist monks who had about 13 beers each. One had to walk home quite some distance.

'Will you be all right to walk home?', the one asked

'Of course, I will take the Middle Path,' he replied."

(Contributed by Thomas Roberts)

Wise blind elephants

Six wise, blind elephants were discussing what humans were like. Failing to agree, they decided to determine what humans were like by direct experience.

The first wise, blind elephant felt the human, and declared, "Humans are flat."

The other wise, blind elephants, after similarly feeling the human, agreed.

(Contributed anonymously)

Flapping flag

Four monks were meditating in a monastery. All of a sudden the prayer flag on the roof started flapping.

The younger monk came out of his meditation and said:  "Flag is flapping"

A more experienced monk said: "Wind is flapping"

A third monk who had been there for more than 20 years said: "Mind is flapping."

The fourth monk who was the eldest said, visibly annoyed: "Mouths are flapping!"

(Contributed anonymously)

The other side

One day a young Buddhist on his journey home, came to the banks of a wide river. Staring hopelessly at the great obstacle in front of him , he pondered for hours on just how to cross such a wide barrier. Just as he was about to give up his pursuit to continue his journey he saw a great teacher on the other side of the river. The young Buddhist yells over to the teacher "Oh wise one , can you tell me how to get to the other side of this river"?

The teacher ponders for a moment  looks up and down the river and yells back "My son, you are on the other side" .

(Contributed by Joe McClintock)

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